My Daughter is a Pornographer

My MIL found my four-year old daughter taking pictures of her vagina today. We are raising Hugh Hefner, and Daddy ain't happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the lady parts. I spent the majority of my “tween” and early teen years trying to find a picture of them. (That’s right son, back when Daddy was a kid, we had to look at something called magazines. Pictures on paper, I know, it seems so primitive. Cable? It was new, and your Grandmother didn’t like new, but even if we’d had it, there was no Cinemax then.) In my youth, the most valuable friend you could have, was a kid who’s father got Playboy.

After that, I spent my teen years, oh hell, I spent ALL my years trying to get women to give me access to their "lady parts". The vagina brought me my children. I love the vagina.

Except…when you have a daughter, things change.

I spent the first month of the Monkeys life terrified of cleaning “down there”. (If you don’t have a daughter, here’s the thing, sometimes the poop in the diaper…gets in “there”.) How did I clean it out? “How do I get it , what do I do?” I’d ask the Swede. She laughed at me, and said “You have to clean it out. What did you think, it was self-cleaning?” Noooo, I just don’t know...how far do I pursue the poo, what if I push it deeper? These things frightened me. With time, I got over it.

Then it got worse.

One day, when I was changing the Monkey, she got the most blissful smile on her face. I was touched, she loved me. Nope. She loved herself...by TOUCHING herself! I had a 6 month old who had discovered the joy of “self-pleasure”. I tried to distract her, but apparently stuffed animals are no match for “self-love”. I was mortified. I got over it.

So today, my daughter is taking pictures with her mothers’ camera. She loves the camera, and she takes great pics. My MIL notices that the Monkey has gone behind the couch, and is taking pictures of something back there. She goes to share the joy of photography with her grandchild, and finds the Monkey with the camera in her PJ bottoms, TAKING PICTURES of her v-jay-jay! The Monkey smiles at her, and offers to share her new pictures, Grandma declines. Apparently, there is something that can shock even Swedish folk.

So, we have deleted the pictures, lest we be caught up in INTERPOL’s next child-porn sweep, and spoken to the Monkey about why it might not be the best idea to take pictures of your “private areas”. She nodded and said she understood.

I haven’t gotten over this one yet.