Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Daughter is a Pornographer

My MIL found my four-year old daughter taking pictures of her vagina today. We are raising Hugh Hefner, and Daddy ain't happy.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the lady parts. I spent the majority of my “tween” and early teen years trying to find a picture of them. (That’s right son, back when Daddy was a kid, we had to look at something called magazines. Pictures on paper, I know, it seems so primitive. Cable? It was new, and your Grandmother didn’t like new, but even if we’d had it, there was no Cinemax then.) In my youth, the most valuable friend you could have, was a kid who’s father got Playboy.

After that, I spent my teen years, oh hell, I spent ALL my years trying to get women to give me access to their "lady parts". The vagina brought me my children. I love the vagina.

Except…when you have a daughter, things change.

I spent the first month of the Monkeys life terrified of cleaning “down there”. (If you don’t have a daughter, here’s the thing, sometimes the poop in the diaper…gets in “there”.) How did I clean it out? “How do I get it , what do I do?” I’d ask the Swede. She laughed at me, and said “You have to clean it out. What did you think, it was self-cleaning?” Noooo, I just don’t far do I pursue the poo, what if I push it deeper? These things frightened me. With time, I got over it.

Then it got worse.

One day, when I was changing the Monkey, she got the most blissful smile on her face. I was touched, she loved me. Nope. She loved TOUCHING herself! I had a 6 month old who had discovered the joy of “self-pleasure”. I tried to distract her, but apparently stuffed animals are no match for “self-love”. I was mortified. I got over it.

So today, my daughter is taking pictures with her mothers’ camera. She loves the camera, and she takes great pics. My MIL notices that the Monkey has gone behind the couch, and is taking pictures of something back there. She goes to share the joy of photography with her grandchild, and finds the Monkey with the camera in her PJ bottoms, TAKING PICTURES of her v-jay-jay! The Monkey smiles at her, and offers to share her new pictures, Grandma declines. Apparently, there is something that can shock even Swedish folk.

So, we have deleted the pictures, lest we be caught up in INTERPOL’s next child-porn sweep, and spoken to the Monkey about why it might not be the best idea to take pictures of your “private areas”. She nodded and said she understood.

I haven’t gotten over this one yet.


-k said...

Holy. Shit. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I will not allow my child to use my camera.

Could you see me showing off my pictures to friends and family at our Christmas party?

"And this is our trip to Disney...Here's Mickey, and Goofy...Oh that? No, that's Andie's Vagina..."

I love the self cleaning idea though..

DCD said...

Wow. And here I've been worried about my kids getting naked. At least they are not taking pictures of the naked!

On one hand, at least you know she won't have any problems with sexual repression. On the other, forget it - I don't think I want to go there!

cIII said...

The Goat and her cousin, Curly, had a little Game they liked to play back in the Day.

Read this....

rowan said...

Ya gotta love those little buggers.

I could regale you with tons of stories about the 5 year-old boy and how in love he is with his boy parts and how much he wants everyone else to know that and be in love with them too.

Laggin said...

Ok. Literally... LMFAO.

And you days of your children and self-pleasuring...not over yet. Not by a long shot.

So, just get over it.

Stefanie said...

Okay, there's this thing in Hustler called "Beaver Hunt" I'm positive you're not familiar with it...sure, that's horrible of me to even say but I'm just putting it out there.

miko564 said...

K- Once again, technology has kicked my ass. I wonder if I can help her "unlearn" the camera.

DCD- You ain't kidding. I have already informed the Swede I will be handling the "sex" talks. I'm from the U.S.A, and we are puritanical, for the first time I admire that!

Ciii- As usual, yours was better written than mine. Oh, and our kids will NEVER be friends.

Rowan- Yeah, Scratch discovered his EARLY. He is not gentle with it either. I keep telling him to be more cautious with it, since he will be wanting to "play" with it for the rest of his life.

Laggin- WHY!? Why must you always be the voice of the future? I would like to hold on to my "rose-colored" hope for the future...i.e. the nunnery.

Stefanie- I officially hate you.

Jamie said...

Very funny!!!!

You did delete the photos, right?

miko564 said...

Jamie- YES! I'm thinking about about burning the memory

Possibly Moving Mom said...

My three-year-old son HATES to wear pants of any kind. My husband gets really uptight about this.

I used to find that kind of funny. Then we had an incident with his uber-Catholic family and my daughter and her cousin playing "I'll show you mine..." (they were five).

Trust me, repression isn't pretty. The alternatives can be scary, but repression sucks.

miko564 said...

Possibly- Very little chance of repression in the home of a Swedish mother. The very sexual freedom I found so attractive in the Swede as a partner, frightens me to death as the Father to her children...

Also I think Catholics only come in two flavors...Uber-Catholics and Recovering Catholics.

desroc2 said...

Yes!!!!I really thought that I was the only one with the poop phobia always afraid I'm gonna get it stuck up in there.